And I have no editor telling me what to do.

[cerealjoe]

(Zenit. Fuji 200.)

I am starting to doubt my ability to ever finish this written part of my thesis. I know what I want to say, I know which results I should include and yet I cannot seem to get it written down the way I see it in my head. I've been rewriting the same parts over and over again, I get stuck at the most improbable bits. I wish I could just copy/paste whole passages of other people's works as I've seen countless others do before me and call it a day and a "state of the art". It is scary in the end, trying to convey three years of my life in a single written work. I can already feel that I will have a major post-partum breakdown the moment I defend my work. Three years. At this point that's more than 1/9th of my life. And I am having more and more doubts about the real contribution my work can bring to the field. I can't even rationally tell if they're justified or not, at this point I can only keep on going and keep on believing. Screw this. No really, screw this. The doubts. The rewriting. The tons of scribbles with random ideas on scraps of paper. The ideas that others tell me to explore. The hope that one day I'll be on that stage, defending the work and it will be over. And yet the more everything goes on, the more I realise that if I had chosen another path, everything would have probably been much more stable and much more defined... but it wouldn't have been something for me.